mattsiller.com Blog

Forgive me father, it has been 11 days since my last confession. My impoverished, destitute, and war torn backyard has been full of such disenchanted excitement that I have become apathetically eager to do anything outside of my daily chores. In the morning, I find that my zealous awakening leads me right back into sleep. At work, I find that my answers to the powers that be have just brought on more questions. The more structure I try to instill into the microcosm that I manage, the more confusing it becomes. How do you effectively apply 1^st world principles of business and life into a 3^rd world environment? We are attempting to Tango with those who only live to Salsa.

After work, my running routine has become so painful it feels good and my dinner is so good it tastes bad. I’ve become so numb to CNN’s focus on the tragic and negative spin on the news of the world that I now believe we live in a positive place.

And the biggest catch of them all is that my work here, paid and sponsored by the most powerful governments in the world, is aimed to squash the genocide by keeping one side, the GOS, in check, but is resulting in a lawless, unmanaged growth of the other, which will ultimately shift the power to them and yield results of the same unnerving magnitude 10 years from now.

So what am I left with? What tangible do I have to hold on to and ground me during these daunting days of dysfunction?

Dreams. Ahh those dreams. Interesting how that works out. Dreams that are so real, so managed, and fulfilling that you would think they were make believe.

They say dreams are your mind trying to process your daily or weekly happenings and thoughts. People don’t dream in the first three phases, the NREM sleep, as their mind is so warmly restful that it’s cold. It’s when you drift into the REM stage that you clearly become confused about what was joggin in the noggin the night before.

Out here in the desert, life is so one dimensional that I’ve been able to tailor multi dimensional dreams before I even go to bed. I flip the switch on which turns me off and into a dreamy sleep I go.

It is in this still, unanimated, and lifeless state that my mind has been able to live. I can dream about anything. My days don’t allow for the typical noise that would normally overwhelm a dream and make it strange. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and laugh at how sad the fact is that one, I bullseye’d that dream the night before, and two, this is entertainment, baby.

So you might say, how can a zealous awakening lead me back to sleep? Now you know!

This place is crazy. It’s bewildering. I find myself shaking my head almost daily at the absurdity of some of the things I see, read, or hear about from colleagues.

Accidents are common place. On his last night in theater, one of our Russian pilots was driving drunk and crashed his vehicle into a newly planted tree outside the home of a local man just off the road. The tree was totaled. The driver got out of the vehicle and took off down the road. The Sudanese authorities showed up and saw the local man sitting next to the tree crying at the loss. Our vehicle and security chiefs showed up and the Sudanese authorities immediately demanded a payoff.

On another occasion, a local driving a 40 ton trailer and truck made too tight a turn in our operation compound and wedged the trailer into the side of our office building. Drivers here keep our maintenance facility busy, crashing into tents, power lines, sides of mountains, etc.

Local National Labors Laws provide comic relief when reading allocation for vacation time. Locals are provided 20 days of vacation per year plus traveling time. This traveling time may be up to 10 additional days, depending on local train or aircraft schedules.

I asked our medics to do recon on all the hospitals in the towns and villages near our camps so we had medical awareness. Some of the responses were troubling…In one hospital, the medic was ‘accidentally’ led into the surgery room, where a patient was having a laparotomy, which means the stomach is cut wide open from chest to belt line. The medic said the patient was barely anaesthetized and moving during the surgery and that the place was a dusty mess.

I have pictures of child soldiers toting AK-47s and RPG launchers, as well as rogue rebels proudly displaying the spoils from their day’s victory, government soldiers’ heads on the end of their guns while pretending to eat their severed limbs.

I received an email stating that one of our local cooks on site ran after his manager with a knife to kill him after an apparent fight at a card game and had to be wrestled down and locked up.

The other day the Norweigan Minister of Defense tried to land in his aircraft but protesters flooded the airfield runway detesting the Scandinavian of the published cartoons. With their Korans held above their heads, they blocked the man from landing his aircraft…..and the government allowed this to occur.

Animals are often around in camps, which is going to change I’m told, but until now it hasn’t been unusual to see donkeys, goats, dogs, cats, etc corralled up in one portion or another and looking like a zoo. Recently I heard that rumor had started that management had authorized the shooting of unwanted pets at the camp, which of course was not true but many had believed was the case. I think it started because the local government officials will come out and shoot an animal on the spot if requested.

At one camp there was an outbreak of diarrhea, where some meat had spoiled unknowingly and was served. 100 plus soldiers and folks were having a tough few days battling the toilet lines. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this is a normal struggle in Africa that is memorialized when witnessing a victim’s funny looking speed walk/dash to the toilet.

Perhaps the most astounding daily head shaker that has become such a crutch for us as an operation is the Government of Sudan itself. The bureaucracy, deceit, and arbitrariness we see on a regular basis is quite the icing on this salty cake. Visa’s, a daunting challenge, are a story in themselves and a #1 delay tactic. The massaging of this visa process is a daily struggle. Visa’s are submitted under the wrong letter head. Visa’s are faxed to the wrong embassy. The president has declared the day a national holiday and no one is in the office to approve. The visa approval number from one ministry doesn’t match the approval number from another and has to be resubmitted…and on and on.

The Civil Aviation Authority is another sticky booger. The same stories are repeated in our struggle to get approvals for our aircraft to enter and fly around. Once approved, they are often arbitrarily grounded. Some days we feel our seems are sewn shut from all sides. It is overtly apparent that coordination, efficiency, and a sense of urgency are concepts lacking in entirety for this government. But I suppose Sudan’s gov’t isn’t the only one guilty of that.

Over all, the challenges, stories, and images shared by staff down here show how messy and convoluted the third world can be. Entertainment at its best.

What a funny Valentines Day. And yes, many of you reading know exactly what I’m about to talk about! You know, holidays in Darfur aren’t supposed to provide the amount of humor, entertainment, or fuz you would imagine a good holiday to bring. But it did all three for me. And even though I kind of cheated the system in a sadistic, not-so-cool kind of way, it kept me smiling all day long. I was getting unnatural looks from the coworkers as I managed the little prank from hour to hour laughing at my monitor.

So without further ado, this is why the day was enjoyable – Crush Calculator. Introduced to me from Marshall H to group of our friends, I forwarded the fun to another group and I’m sure it was forwarded to more and more until it became old. The skinny if you havent visited the site is to fill in your name and three Valentines Day crushes. When you submit, you are led to believe a funny play on words or some sort of anticdote will return “The One” using your listed crushes (like in the Ghetto Name calculator). Instead, in true high school horror, the site returns, “Thank You. Your Crushes have now been sent to Matt Siller.”

Now that we are older most of the crushes were expected…aka the wife, serious BF, etc. But there were several that made me laugh. And yes, so you know 26 of 31 of your visits were successfully submitted to me! I feel like the evil high school gossip queen. But then again, I’m sure Marshall H feels this way too…he has reign of my crush list!

And if you were wondering if my name was on anyone’s list, sadly the answer was no.

Ha Ha huh huh huh….

I have to give props to Ryan A. for introducing this site which i’m about to plug.

Here’s to the Russians. They’ve brought us caviar, vodka, kalishnakovs, and mail order brides. Now they have introduced something even better (almost), legal online music sales for super cheap prices. For those who are sold on downloading movies and music in the black market using sites like DC Plus Plus or Bit Torrent, look no more. You can legally download now for prices that are an obvious direction of how online music sales is headed. AllofMP3.com. Bookmark it now. This site sells you music at rates the US Music industry will some day understand are imperative to ensure a rebirth of online sales and royalties. This is the first site of many that will collapse the black market. I’m talking $0.12 a song and $1.50 a CD. Legally pay and ensure quality and completeless of the download, something lacking in the black market. I’ve been waiting for a site like this for awhile to officially make the switch.

For those questioning how, read the terms of agreement. Their disclaimer is for users to not pay and download if this site is in conflict with the laws of your own country. But as this one follows Russian Music Industry laws which are supposed to align with ours, it should be the real deal. At least until new laws are passed, but in this case i think it’s going to stick and the US Music Industry will realize this is a consumers market. More sites are sure to follow suit…

As the World66 personalized map shows, 8% (19) of the world’s countries have been trekked by these feet. It seems like so many more. Make your own here.

So I’ve had several months to settle, accept my surroundings, begin to understand the culture, and reflect on Africa. Here are a few snippits (sorry for the use of that annoying word) to chew on.

Settling - Early settlers who explored the Nile used to write and talk about the ‘crushing and yet captivating weight of loneliness in Africa’. Even in large places like the 10 million person community in Nigeria (stretched to be described as a village), the lack of infrastructure, opportunity, and pure remoteness takes its toll on the soul.

As for me, I’m learning to live in the desert. I do battle with loneliness, like those before and around me. From the nature of this place, the work, and the people, there’s a struggle to really connect. I’m working 7 days a week, generally 10-11 hour days with mostly older men. I do feel like I have an advantage in that I am empowered to change and improve the effort down here using technology so that has been a plus in earning respect and making a difference. (I was thinking about writing my business master’s thesis on how technology can improve peace operations.)

But life in general is often so one dimensional that I struggle with myself and my mind to stay sharp. I’ve ended up breaking my day into units that I can look forward to. (Brigit Jones, eat your heart out.) Having a real routine, regardless of where it is, is something I’ve never sat well with. So this has been a learning and growing experience to say the least.

Accepting and Understanding the Culture – I’m of the utter acceptance that most Darfurian’s, and many on this continent for that matter, do not value life as important. One employee of ours had his daughter die just two days after birth. He asked off to bury her. We said yes, take time for mourning. He was back the next day laughing and joking with his colleagues.

I think that is why the Muslim faith is so strong in places like this. Life is accepted as a means to an end, promising a paradise upon death that contains the sensual delights and gratifying every physical want lacked by so many in this environment.

Reflections on Africa – In the evenings I listen to my South African roommates talk about their home country. I feel for them. They claim that as a white person they can never work there again and reasonably support their family. They predict that once Nelson Mandela dies, the country will fall apart. On average, before 11 in the morning five violent crimes are committed within a five mile radius of their homes. I try to keep that in perspective to the place I am living though.

Africa is just a complex and messy place. I look at Bono’s ‘One’ campaign aiming to reduce world poverty and wonder how effective it really is. Aid is important in saving lives now, but I think truly effective aid is supporting communities and countries to become self dependent for the long haul. I feel providing leadership training, education, and infrastructural development will work far more wonders than providing charity in the form of food or money. Even the oh-so-utilized tendency of providing military or security support just arms individuals with the weapons and knowledge to control and have power over the masses. There has to be a joint initiative on multiple fronts if development of this nature has any staying power.

The Neat and Tidy Conclusion – Even through all of this: the loneliness, poverty, disease, dysfunction, crime, and corruption, it’s still a place that draws you in. There’s something about Africa that is contagious to the soul. Maybe it’s the underlined desire to try and control the chaos. For now, I take it day by day and remember that the sun will always rise, hoping my contribution is a slice of much needed progress.

There was a time when Darfur’s heartbeat was healthy and vibrant. The rains routinely blessed the land, which produced fruitful and abundant rewards. The rivers and lakes were alive and active. Quality of life was taken for granted by all. Living objects smiled amongst nature’s playground, which symbiotically welcomed its guests.

But like a season’s wind eternally remolding the malleable sand, the region would inevitably change. Creatures arrived in the form of tribes, nomads, and farmers, crossing paths and converging in a forced introduction that created rivalrous enemies over time. Their ensuing conflicts placed havoc on a region that would struggle to make sense of the complexity of peaceful coexistence.

By the time all three groups had intertwined, it was too late to set the rules or undo the damaged tracks. Over time though, the intensity of the conflicts reduced, the land changed and soon a sense of focused survival became a unifying theme in all three groups. Instead of working against each other, the common denominator became the instinct of survival. Different in their origin, make, and purpose, each could adapt and change to learn and live together. As creatures, the tribes, nomads, and farmers found a way for peaceful coexistence.

Can man do the same, or will the nature of Darfur remain eternally captive to the conflict of its own internal struggles?

Away from the game. I needed a blog rest. Plus several folks were in town and I was wasting away in desert entertainment. It’s getting hot here. Watching world weather, we have daily bets whether Khartoum (Sudan’s Cap) will be the world’s hottest city… I step outside around noon and can hear the oven gods crack their knuckles at the potential of toasting their new victim. They lour you in. Because at first it feels good, like you would imagine a ham feels when he’s being glazed. But the brightness forces you to squint deep while trying to balance yourself in the heavy desert sand. Confusion sets in and you quickly realize you’re living in an oven. The heat begins to seep to the bone. Your body screams sweat and forms an instant layer acting as a coolant. But this too is a tease because having your insides toasted and skin cooled is rather uncomfortable. It should be the other way around. I can hear Apollo laughing at me, knowing the best is yet to come with his shot of 120 or 130F desert heat in a couple of months. But I always get the last laugh …thankfully I am here on the tab of the US. I walk back into my air conditioned office and cool off with a coke.

Now I understand why local men wear their long white dresses..err robes. They dont stick to the skin and dont attract the sun. You can also assume this is a reason some folks are darker than others (appreciate the PC’ness in keeping that thought to one sentence).

I also used to think Donkeys were dumb animals. Just look at them. But I realize differently now, at least compared to some. They must be one of the most closet-angry species in Africa. I can hear them release some of it when they eeee-awwww. See, donkeys eat the grass. And they stand in the shade of the bushes and trees when they’re not eating or working. But the pesky goats, they reach up and eat the bushes and trees. They are eating the shade right away from the donkeys. If only their brain could comprehend, I would imagine there’d be some serious donkey/goat throw downs….

And Apollo would have front row seats. Damn the sun…